How to Build Confidence Through Self-Massage: A Gentle Reset for When Life Feels Heavy
When Effort Doesn’t Create the Results You Want
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Perhaps you’re craving a change in your life, but you feel paralyzed by the sheer number of things you "need" to do to make it happen.
We are often told that confidence is built through external evidence that reinforces once we manage to see our intended outcome. Set a goal, visualize your success, break things down to manageable bite sized action, take action, achieve the outcome, feel great and more confident then repeat.
While this approach works well in school — where effort often leads to measurable improvement — life doesn’t always follow the same rules.
In school, you study harder, get some tuition, repeat the work consistently, and you can usually see progress: higher marks, clearer results, a sense that your effort is “working.”
But in real life, many outcomes aren’t fully within our control.
You can put in effort and still not get the result you hoped for.
You can try your best and still feel uncertain.
You can do “all the right things” and still feel stuck.
Many of the outcomes we care about most — relationships, confidence, health, career direction, emotional stability — can’t be controlled through effort alone. Sometimes the same amount of effort produces completely different results depending on timing, nervous system capacity, life circumstances, or sheer unpredictability.
And when the mountain feels too big, many of us fall into a familiar cycle: inertia, procrastination, and anxiety.
When You Start Thinking the Problem Is You
Have you ever found yourself looking around at other people who seem to have achieved the outcome you desire… and quietly concluding that the problem must be you?
That perhaps you need to be a different kind of person to succeed.
More confident.
More outspoken.
More uninhibited.
More “YOLO.”
But the danger of thinking this way is that we start abandoning the good parts of ourselves.
We forget our sensitivity, our depth, our gentleness, our steadiness.
We start believing we have to become someone else in order to move forward, when in truth what we need most is to feel supported enough to take the next step.
So what if confidence wasn’t something you had to force?
What if it was something you could cultivate — gently — through steps that feel within reach… through your body?
A Different Path to Confidence
As a primary care physician and deep lymphatic self-massage instructor, I’ve come to see confidence in a slightly different way.
It doesn’t have to be something you force through willpower… but as something you can cultivate by returning to the body.
Through the Lilynage method of deep lymphatic self-massage, we support circulation and encourage detoxification by making our lymphatic system better able to remove excess fluid and waste. And these can be most visible especially in the face, neck, and chest area.
Yes, the physical shifts are real: less puffiness, reduced water retention, a clearer jawline, a more refined facial expression.
But what surprises many people is what happens emotionally.
When you see immediate change in your own face after just five minutes of self-care, reassurance begins to build.
Your nervous system receives a new message:
“My body is looking better, more defined!”
“I can create change.”
“I’m not stuck.”
And from that place, confidence becomes less about becoming like someone else and more about remembering that you’re capable, and seeing to believe that you have what it takes to change.
The Ripple Effect of Self-Nurturing
You don’t have to wait for a "huge" life outcome to believe in yourself. One of the most underestimated parts of self-care is that when you take back your energy and focus it on nourishing these small, gentle practices, your internal state starts to shift.
When your internal state shifts, your choices shift too.
Energy: you feel more rested, and you start tasks with less resistance.
Courage: when you look and feel better in your body, you start to have a lower barier to trying something new — a new outfit, going forth for a new social situation, taking steps on a decision you’ve been delaying.
Presence: you become kinder to yourself while you’re learning, not only after you succeed.
I use this practice myself.
Before I host a workshop or step into a situation where I feel nervous, I come back to my body through self-massage.
I apply my massage cream. I breathe in the gentle uplifting scent of geranium and bergamot. I take my time to apply cream to my skin with my palms slowly and steadily. I take in deeper breaths, I let this be a time to focus on myself and my body.
And I can feel myself reconnect. And feel that there’s a greater level of calm and steadiness from within.
In a Season of Uncertainty
I found this Lilynage method of deep lymphatic self-massage when I was at one of the lowest points of my life. I was navigating a breakup, feeling completely burnt out by my job, and trying to find the courage to transition and pivot into a new career.
I knew I wanted to build kokoro salon, share my work with the world.
But alongside the excitement and passion and love for what I felt was a real life-changing method, putting myself out there also meant that there was new fears and anxieties to navigate. Worries about the future, of negative feedback, of disappointment, and anxious about putting myself out there.
My 5-Minute Sanctuary
That’s when this self-massage became more than a beauty routine—it became my sanctuary. In those moments before a big workshop or a nerve-wracking meeting, I would set aside time to reconnect.
One of the massages I always do prior to any events or workshops is the Face Self-Massage.
Did you know we have over 40 facial muscles? They work so hard for us, carrying the tension of every worry and every "what if."
As I worked the self-massage movements into my skin, I would talk to my body. I would say, "Thank you for your hard work."
And I would always notice how much brighter my skin looked, how much more defined my facial features became, and how much more relaxed and rejuvenated I felt after each session.
This practice gave me a multifold gift:
It comforted me and allowed me time to appreciate my body and myself.
It boosted my health and reduced tension and stress.
It gave me the confidence to look my best for my students and, most importantly, for myself.
Cultivating Your "Fortunate Face" 福顔
In Asian cultures, there is a beautiful concept that "your face is your fortune."
We naturally gravitate towards people who feel open, calm, and at ease.
Not because life is perfect for them — but because their energy feels welcoming.
Which makes so much sense when you think about it: If you would like to offer an opportunity to someone who would you rather approach— someone looking annoyed, frowning, and in a foul mood? Or someone who looks relaxed, radiant, and at ease?
By practicing self-massage, you aren't just "looking better"; you are shifting your energy to be open to the lucky opportunities in your environment.
You are preparing your "vessel" to receive good fortune.
In this way, self-massage isn’t just about looking better. It’s about becoming more available to life.
When your face softens, and your lymph flows better, your features become more refined and radiant. Your expression becomes brighter. When you feel more relaxed and grounded, you connect more easily. You notice opportunities more quickly. You show up with more warmth.
And in many ways, that changes the “luck” you experience.
How to Reset Today
Life moves in waves. We all have seasons where we feel low. The secret to a radiant life isn’t staying at 100% all the time (because that’s humanly not possibly!)
It’s knowing how to reset. And how to empower ourselves with the skills and the mindset needing so that we can come back to ourselves and our strength and beauty no matter what happens.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed today, I invite you to try this:
Pick up your favourite cream.
Spend 5 minutes on a face and neck self-massage.
Notice the changes to your expression and your energy after.
If you’d like, here is a simple tutorial you can try: WATCH HERE.
And if you want to practise this with guidance and structure, you’re warmly welcome to join my Flow & Glow Face Self-Massage Workshop (online + in-person).
Details here.
